Needed to get some stuff off my chest

[Switch187]

Well I'm glad that I found this forum, because I needed to get some stuff out that's been killing me lately.

Lately me and my g/f have had some trouble talking to each other. She keeps avoiding issues until they become so bad that she has to talk about it. But when she does this, she makes me feel like **** because she seems to just push me to the side and act like she doesn't really care. So we've been together for about 2 years now, and today she decided to finally tell me something that has been bothering her. The only reason she told me though was because I forced her to tell me since I knew something was wrong. So her complaint was that she feels like I'm smothering her. She just got a new job, and has a class every Mon and Wed afternoon, so she said that all of her free time goes to me and she doesn't have any for herself. This struck me hard because not to long ago she was getting upset with me because she felt like I didn't love her enough. She said that I needed to include her in my life because that's what loving couples should do. Now she's telling me she doesn't want to be included in my life, and wants to have some time and space to herself. I really hate this issue, because in my experience, when a girl says she want's some time away it means she want's to date other people. I havn't even talked to her yet since she told me this, since she decided to go to a movie with some friends instead of talking to me. So now I'm stuck in the postion of whether she is planning on leaving me (I consider a break to be the same as a dump) or if she is just stressed because of her new job, and needs a little bit of time to think. I really don't want to look like the ass of the relationship if I tell her that time apart will just kill the relationship, but I don't want to look like some jealous overbearing b/f either. I just want us to be happy like we were before, even though now I think that she may have never been happy with me at all. Anyways, I'm gonna stop now, I do feel a bit better getting this out, and if anyone want's to reply, well feel free to do so.

Something weird to add to this, is that as I was just finishing typing this and wondering to myself how my g/f really feels, she calls me and tells me that she loves me and always will. It was kinda reassuring to hear, but I told her we still need to talk since she's been avoiding this issue for a while and by doing so she has made me feel really ******. She ended the call by saying she will love me forever, and that nothing will tear us apart.

[KitZune]

Honestly it sounds like your relationship is dissolving... as sad as it is... it's very hard to recover from a "smothered" feeling... It usually means you aren't exactly compatable...
Rethink things... And I mean YOU should rethink things... 2 year relationship does not mean it's gonna last forever... it just means you enjoyed 2 years with eachother... take it from a pro... cut it off before it gets ugly if you think that's where it's going... nothing worse than an ugly ending to a good relationship.

[Switch187]

Well thank you for the advice and pointers. Honestly I really don't know if it's getting ugly yet or not, since I havn't talked to her in person since last night, and she doesn't want to talk about this until we are in person again. I kinda feel like she's using the "smothered" excuse as a scapegoat for a deeper and more troubling problem, and I feel that this problem is that she no longer want's to be with me at all. I'm really not ready to just let it go, but I can't make her change her mind, so I hope she clears things up when we speak later today. What really keeps confusing me is that she has called me a few times today to see how I'm doing, and everytime she tells me that she loves me and really want's this relationship to last, but I feel that if she is using the "smotherd" excuse as a scapegoat to start seeing other people then maybe it's not worth it for us to even keep in contact, since I don't want to be the "last resort" boyfriend if she can't find someone that does make her happy. I guess I'll just have to wait until we speak, and maybe things arn't as bad as I'm thinking and our relationship could be salvaged from this. Anyways thanks again for the advice, I'll keep it in mind when I speak to her about our relationship and were it's going from here.

[Stang]

I hope things aren't as bad as you think but from the sounds of it she has some deeper issues and avoiding them with you isn't going to help now or in the future. Whatever is going on on her end she needs to talk to you or someone and to tell you whats going on cuz cutting you off doesn't help.

When I was reading your first post I was like why in the world do we girls do that! When something is bothering me or mad I shut down too and sometimes shut others out. But not as long as what is going on with you only a few hrs. then Ill talk with my husband and we work things out. I don't know why we do that maybe for attention? Who knows just weird .

Keep us updated and I hope she knows you are there for her and talks things out. Talking and getting things out is such a relief and the weight just lifts off ya.

[XMEN Ashaman DTM]

In my experience, women tend to either call you dirty names outright, or try and make things all "fluffy and stuff" when they don't want to be in a relationship with you. It's always one of these things: "It's not you, it's me.", "I feel smothered.", "I think we should be friends.", etc. At that point, whether your girlfriend realizes it or not, it's over. (Many times, guys can pick up on things before the girls... but they have to be objective.)

I'm serious, if it's to the point where she's saying that she's smothered, and she doesn't want to talk about it, chances are that it's not going to get better.

[Switch187]

Okay here it a little update on my situation, and thank you to all who have replied and gave advice/tips. We were supposed to meet and talk early this afternoon, but when she got home from Berkely, her work called and said they needed her to come in right away, so when she called me to tell me that we won't be able to talk until later tonight I asked her to answer a few questions for me just becaue I needed to know an answer. I asked her if the "time apart" meant that she wants to see other people, or something to that nature, and she told me that she doesn't want "time apart" (and said that those were the wrong words to use) and she said that she doesn't want to date anyone else because she knows that we should be together. I then asked her if she loved me less (or not at all) and she told me that she will, and always, will love me from the bottom of her heart. So it's kinda nice to know that things aren't as bad as I first thought, although when we started to talk about her not being fully honest with me she kinda got defensive and said that we should discuss that in person. Also when I mentioned that after 2 years there shouldn't be a "smothered" feeling, and that I think it's something more, she also got a little upset and said that we should also discuss that in person. So I guess that we will be able to finally discuss and settle things tonight, and I'll keep everyone updated on how things go. Thank you again for being great people and helping me through this rough time.

[XMEN Ashaman DTM]

Good luck, dude. Remember that you might need to ask the same question multiple times (but don't repeat it word for word... ask it different ways each time). But it sounds like you're on a good track. And I know it's been two years... but don't get your hopes up. You gotta keep your head on straight, otherwise you won't be as objective as you might need to be.

[Switch187]

Okay we finally sat down and talked about these issues we needed to discuss, and let me say that things went very well. First thing I did was sat her down, looked into her eyes and told her that I loved her and could se myself growing old with her, and asked her to look me in the eyes and tell me exactly how she feels about me. She returned with saying that she loved me as well, and wanted to grow old with me. She then explained that when she said she felt smothered, it wasn't really because of me, it was due to the fact that she felt like she needed some time to relax on her own and unwind. She also said that she felt like her priorities and goals were all mixed up, and she wanted some time to get her life in order. She also said that she felt like she was smothering me as well, and that she felt like I was holding back my true potential and abilities because of her. We talked about a lot of things, and we were able to clear a lot of things up, as well as not yelling or shouting during the whole discussion, we kept it calm and in a decent tone. When I asked her about the "break" that she wanted, she was very clear in stating that she didn't want to meet/date other people, she knew that I was the person for her and the person she want's to be with, and that she still want's to keep in touch and keep seeing me. All she really want's is some time to be able to get her life on track, and told me I should do the same to since we both needed to "grow up" in our life and relationship. We were able to set up a plan to still see each other, at least 2 a week for at least an hour (these will vary due to how we feel things are going) and she also said that we should call each other whenever we wanted to. So in the end, I told her that I had no problem giving her the time and space she needs, and I told her that no matter what her decision is I will always be there for her to talk to, which she found to be very reassuring. She also apolagized for the way she acted recently (whith shutting me out, and being mean towards me) and told me that she never wanted to hurt me, she was just confused about the situation and how to handle it. All in all I feel like things went well, and I also feel really well inside, which is really important. I also decided that these next few days I will leave her alone and give her some comfort time (I know she needs the time alone), and will just go snowboarding for the weekend so she can have her space. I think that after that calling and seeing each other will be a little bit easier, I just don't think that I should be calling her and seeing imediatly after telling her she could have her own time. Anyways, thank you to everyone who replied and gave their advice to my situation, as well as reading all of this stuff I keep typing.

[insaneferret]

i'd be wary if i were you, to commit too much to a strained relationship is not a good idea IMO, love does blind us and it causes people to continue with something that might not work out 10 years down the line, if you're rationing out your relationship now, it might not get any better many years down the road, but then again, it seems she's juggling a job, university and a relationship all at once, and it's midterm time in my school, so thats raising her stress level and she's looking to take some control of the situation, you're not the only thing that's smothering her, now i know little about the situation or your personality so i may be way off base, but thats just my musings on the situation, bad relationship, or stress

-relationship advice from the ferret with titanic balls

[Switch187]

Well thanks ferret, and you are right about the stess part. That is the main problem that she is facing right now, and she just want's some time to get things in order, and take control of herself. I probably shouldn't have said we were rationing our relationship, the truth is she doesn't want this time to be a "break" in terms of how people react to "breaks". That's how I thought she felt when she said she needed the "break", but she reassured me that she does wan't to be with me, and doesn't want me to feel like she doesn't. The reason why we said we should still see each other a few times, is because I didn't know if she just wanted me to leave her alone until she felt better, but she says that she still wants me to be there and still wants to talk to me. I told her that I felt that I shouldn't really spend too much time with her so she could have that time to herself that she needs, that's why I said maybe we should spend less time together, as well as see each other in smaller intervals. She understood where I was coming from, and also understood that it wouldn't be right if we just kept to our "habit" of seeing each other almost everyday (which is why I said we should take our time in seeing each other). The thing that makes me feel reassured is that she is the one telling me that she still wants our relationship to keep moving foward, and she feels that this is a step we both need to take for us to keep moving foward and to become a bit more mature with each other. She is also telling me that I am the only person she wants to be with, and that she still loves me and that nothing will change how she feels. So I guess what I'm saying is that the only reason why I feel like our relationship is in a "good" standing is because her feelings towards me havn't changed, it's her feeling about her situation in life (full time job, school, family, and me) that is stressing her and making her feel like she doesn't have anytime for herself. Well thanks again for the advice, I will keep those things in mind as we head into this first week of being partially "apart", and I will just take things as they come and be there for her when she needs/wants me to.

[Gambit]

I am remembering my dating days (not that there were a lot of them), and thought I'd share some of my thoughts, such as they are, from the perpective of an "old married folk."

1) Patience.

Guys tend to want things either too hot or too casual, from the girl's perspective. Not much you can do there but be careful and try to pick up on what she wants and when, which is not generally where guys' skills lie... Not helped by the fact that the girl is usually trying to sort things out for herself, and can't communicate her needs to the guy very well. They usually don't acquire that skill until well after school. Men are even slower.

2) Patience.

It may help to explain/admit to her that you aren't good at picking up these signals, and that you want to help and do the right thing, and that it would help you greatly if she would make an extra effort to tell you exactly what she wants and when, in the clearest possible terms. (That doesn't mean you have to DO whatever that is - that's a whole other thing entirely!) Anyway, not being afraid to admit a weakness like that and asking her to help you make the relationship better can improve her opinion of you greatly, if done with care.

3) Patience.

You need to make sure that she's not afraid, and doesn't need to be, to tell you when she thinks there's a problem. Of course, if that goes TOO far you've got a shrew, so use judgement.

and, you guessed it,
4) Patience.

Regarding the situation, make sure she knows you're willing to help her through difficult times like that. She usually won't want advice! She most likely wants an ear to talk to. That's what women usually want when they talk about problems: just a sympathetic ear. Men, of course, want to help by fixing everything, or, even worse, talk about how easily they could/did handle a similar situation. Using your mouth is not being a sympathetic ear! Until you get the hang of it (and I don't, really, myself) just listen attentively and make sympathetic noises at the appropriate times.

'nuff for now I guess. Wonder what'll happen when Rogue reads this...

(I do try, love!)

[Steele]

I'd buy her lots of flowers and gifts, and totally hang around her 24/7, never let her outta my sight...just sit there and look at her...all the time...when she says "WHAT!?!" just smile and pee on her leg...hope that helps...

[XMEN Ashaman DTM]

rofl

Gambit: Your #4 is exactly my experience as well.


Also, switch187, if you must know, most women don't mature until they are in their mid-twenties. This is something that you have to pick up on. You'll understand when you get older and look at young women... you'll wonder why in the heck you ever wanted to get involved with one. My experience tells me that most girls say they are in tune with themself, but they really aren't (and won't be that way until they're about 25). A prime example of this would be a gal I dated once that said, "I'm not feeling well", to which I replied, "Well, that sucks" and she replied, "Yeah, it does. I'll call you later".

I ended up calling her a week later (hey, I had things going on). And she said that she didn't want to do anything because she wasn't feeling well. This went on for another week, so I asked her if she'd seen a doctor. She said no, she wasn't feeling that bad, but she didn't want me to get sick. That's very sweet and all, but at the time I was kind of confused. Unless I'm puking or crapping my brains out, I'd still like to talk.

Anyways, I figured that she was at the point in the relationship where it just wasn't working and she was either in denial or didn't recognize her own body's signs. I figured that if she was avoiding me, it's time to get out. She didn't really cry when I told her I didn't want to see her anymore, and she later told me that she was glad we broke up when we did.

You'll save yourself a lot of heartache if you recognize the signs that a relationship is turning south. I did put forth effort and spontaneity into the relationship. And that experience taught me that most women either don't want to hurt a guy's feelings, or can't quite figure out why the relationship isn't working anymore.

[Switch187]

Well XMEN Ashaman you are exactly right. She is at the point where she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but she can't understand why this relationship isn't working. I've come to realize that it's because she is starting to have feelings (or maybe wondering) for another person. I came to realize all of this because I told her she needed to tell me the truth about what she really want's, since she was sending so many mixed signals to me it was making me confused about myself and about her. She, after a long time of beating around the bush, told me that she needed to take a break from me so she could understand what's going on in her life. I told her fine then were on a break, and that I wish her the best in life and whatever happens, happens for a reason. So as I was saying, I realized that she had feelings for another person, because after we decided to break up, I started to look back at the past month (since all of this is due to current issues, not our whole relationship) and I realized it's another man thats causing this confusion in her head. First off I realized that she used to talk about how all the employes at the store she started working at liked to flirt with each other a lot. She would tell me that she thought is was weird, but it seemed like she kinda enjoyed the attention from all these guys (she never told me if they flirted with her, but I already knew that any single guy will flirt with a girl even if she has a boyfriend). So then I thought some more, and I also noticed that one day she had asked me to meet her after work (10:00 pm) in the parking lot, because she was parked in a dark area. So I get there at 9:50, and when I start to get close to her car, I noticed that there was a car (which was hers, but there are like 20 of them in that lot) and a guy and girl were talking to each other. When I started to get closer, I didn't realize it was her, but I think she noticed my truck coming, the car turned on and took off really fast to the other side of the lot. Since I didn't see who the girl was, I didn't think it was her and I continued to look for where her car was parked. The car stopped by another car, the guy got out when to his car door, and they talked to each other for a little bit more. When I realized that I couldn't find her car, and I looked over at the guy talking to the girl in the car, I realized that it was her in that car. So I turned around, and when I did she also turned around and came over toward me and told me to meet her at her house. When I got there she told me that she was tired and wanted me to go home so she could go to bed, she also didn't even want to give me a kiss when I left. At first I didn't think much of the situation, since she said she got out of work early and that's why she was already in her car by the time I got there. I also figured that maybe this guy just walked her to her car since I wasn't there yet and they got out early. But now when I look back at it I realized that if she did get out early, she was still sitting in her car with that guy talking (and maybe doing more, but I won't jump to conclusions) for a long time, since I showed up at the time she would have been getting off work. The next day (this is all before I realized most of this stuff) she told me that she didn't want me to meet her at work, and she was really persistant about it, and when I made a comment about her not wanting to see, she said that she thought it wasn't neccessary for me to be there, since a group of coworkers walk her to her car because she ask's them to. I said okay, but we need to talk about our relationship because I feel like there is a problem that needs to be disscussed, in which she said that she also wanted to talk becasue she felt the same way. When it got close to the time of her getting of work, something came over me and told me that I should go confront her at work and get the discussion over with instead of waiting around. When I got there, she called me and told that instead of talking to me about our relationship she was going to go to a movie with some of her coworkers. When they (a group of guys and girls) all came out of the store, I noticed that she was walking and talking to the same guy from the night before, and when she looked over at her car and saw my truck there she looked over at the guy and from my position it looked like she told him she would meet him at the movie theatre. It also didn't look like any of the other people were going, they just happened to be there at the same time. So I confronted her and that's when the whole issue of "smothering" came in, but I felt that it was just her way of trying not to hurt me by telling me that she may or may not have feelings for another guy.
So as I said, I started to notice all of this stuff today when I was out snowboarding and had time to just sit on the mountain and think about things. So I decided to leave her a message on her phone telling her that since she want's a break, then we are "broken up", and that it's not fair for her to try and keep me on the side while she tested the waters with another relationship. When I got home from snowboarding, she came over to my house and dropped off some of the things I had left at her house (DVD's, shirts, and a DVD player), and I told her that I had some stuff that I was going to go and drop off at her house the next day but I'll just give it to her. I gave her the stuff, and then I told her that I was now confused about things, and I needed time as well to figure out what I want in a relationship now. I also told her that this is what she wanted and I was just agreeing with it, but I also felt that a break up was now neccessary. She said fine then were broken up and she left. So all in all, the relationship is now over, and we are both now able to accept the fact that we are no longer a couple. I am a firm believer in the old "if you love something, set it free.. If it comes back it was meant to be" philosophy, but that doesn't mean I gonna sit around waiting for her to come back to me either. I told her that even if she did decide that she wanted to get back with me, I would also need to decide if I want to take her back. I think this upset her, but at least I was being honest and letting her know that she didn't have a "grip" on me and that I wasn't gonna be a "fall back" guy for her if things with the other person doesn't work out. So I thank everyone for there advice, and I also thank you guys for the support you showed. I'm also thankfull for everyone that noticed things were wrong and told me they were, since I was to blinded by love to notice the same problems. Well I'm guess it's time for me to just take my life by the horns, so to say, and just keep on living. If we end up back together, then at least we both spent some time figuring out what we want, and at least I know that I can stand up for myself and let her know that she won't control every situation, especially with the mind games she was trying to play during this time. Anyways, it's time for me to just move on with my life and pick myself up out of the gutter and tell myself that if she isn't the one for me, then at least we found out before the relationship got too serious. Well see ya guys around, I'm gonna go out and start living life up and let it be known that I'm not gonna be dragged down by this.

[sh@rp]

Ehh, that blows man im sorry.