I want your honest opinion

yak · 08-13-2004, 09:26 AM

ok now people, i would like youre honest opinion on this poem. i should warn you, this is the first poem that i have written in about 3 years. so here goes nothing. the name of the poem is: knowledge in the sea of relentless emotion.

KNOWLEDGE IN THE SEA OF RELENTLESS EMOTION

Why must I torture myself,
Never fully knowing why.
I have beared my emotions,
the best that i possibly can.
I still don't know about you,
I don't know if you feel the same.
I don't know how you feel.
All i know is how I feel.
This longing feeling never subsiding,
Not knowing when it will end.
Not knowing how to cope.
Seeking guidance from half trusted men,
But still relying on me.
Relying only on me.
This surge of outpouring emotions.
Completly overpowering.
Semmingly never ending.
I haven't felt this way since......
Since Lura.
I was willing to change once,
I might try again.
All my emotions,
Carefully suppressed.
I've adapted to my free state.
I've adapted to my lack of feelings,
Feelings for others.
They are hard to mold,to control.
I try my hardest, but no,
I can't suppress my emotions.
I've been devoid for so long,
I can't describe the way that I feel.
I tlak to you and I just melt away.
I melt into bliss,
I melt into anguish.
I can see something there.
I see something in your eyes.
Or am I just imagining?
I might be.
Maybe I just want something,
Anything to be there.
Maybe I'm just imagining.
Maybe I am going crazy,
But i know the way that I feel.
And that is something that I will not change.
I never change. I only remain.
I remain unscathed.
I remain oversaturated,
Oversturated with emotions.
I can't suppress,
I can't control,
Anyhting.
Its tearing me up.
Completly overpowering,
No escape.
Like last time,
Like with Lura
No, not like with Lura.
I won't become like that.
Never again.
Never again will i fall.
Never again will i fail,
Fail so miserably.
Damn emotions,
Dredging up the memories.
I won't fall that far,
Never again.
I sit here quiet,
Apparently unchanged.
Apparently unaffected.
On the inside, I'm churning,
Churning in seemingly endless turmoil.
Sitting here confused,
Confused and alone.
Never knowing about you.
You toy with me like its nothing,
I just sit here apparently unchanged.
I change every time I see you.
What I have told you,
You can never imagine.
You can never truly know.
Knowledge is power.
You have power over me,
I sit here weak and powerless.
Surrounded by this pit.
Submerged in these emotions,
Slowly drowning.
Emotionaly esphyxiated all this time.
Your forcing me to breathe.
You can only imagine how much....
I love you.
I can never let you read this.
I can't allow you to gain more power.
But still you toy with me,
Still, I am powerless.
I'm drowning here.
I never had the experience,
I never had the knowledge.
I never learned how to swim,
Swin in this never ending sea.
This endless sea of emotion.

Ghryphen · 08-14-2004, 11:12 PM

What no responses yet? Sorry Yak, I would give you my review, but I don't have much interest in reading poems.

Gambit · 08-15-2004, 08:50 PM

I'm not much for commenting on poems, but I can toss out a few technical issues I saw. First, you don't need to end every line with punctuation (period, comma, ellipsis, etc). It's OK sometimes, like where it would be if you wrote out the sentences in regular prose, but shouldn't be on every one. Second, "esphyxiated" should be "asphyxiated." Close.

Couple other spelling things in there but you can run it through a spell checker.

yak · 08-16-2004, 09:04 AM

thnk you uups i ned 2 chck mi speling (hukd on fonikz wurked for me)

DooMKitty · 09-07-2004, 11:50 PM

I think its a nice poem , its a good way to organize all your thoughts and emotions in a good artistic way.

Kyrie · 09-08-2004, 02:12 AM

Okay -- I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but you did ask for honest opinions. I'm not trying to be a bitch or anything.

It's really, really long. Which isn't always a bad thing, but this poem could be about half the length (or less) and have a much stronger impact than it does now. Poems do not always have to be wordy; as far as poetry is concerned I'm a fan of saying as much as possible in few words.

Secondly, I realise that poetry is a good vent for negative emotions, but this poem sounds kind of teen angsty and gothy. There's a few lines that sound like they could belong in a Linkin Park song. It IS tough, but try to avoid angsty cliches.

Now, so that I don't sound COMPLETELY harsh, there's a ton of potential here, the key is just unleashing it.

I'd recommend you look into a lot of minimalistic sort of short poems for inspiration and for new ways of expressing your feelings. I also admire how completely heartfelt and sincere your poem is, because it takes a lot of courage to do that. I'll look forward to reading more of your stuff, for sure.

yak · 09-08-2004, 08:58 AM

thanx, i wrote this in math class so uhhh yeah, i yeah..................

Stang · 09-08-2004, 04:08 PM

He is a teeny goth

.

yak · 09-09-2004, 06:53 AM

maybe i am maybe im not you tell me

Stang · 09-09-2004, 04:10 PM

Come on we have a picture of you now

.

yak · 09-10-2004, 07:34 AM

i know. but you still dont. what were we talking about again? yeah. ramble. ramble. random dribble. change of subject. hmmmm. dirbble, dribble. how bout dem space aliens probin mi caddl?

DooMKitty · 09-12-2004, 10:10 AM

yak · 09-14-2004, 09:10 AM

i am going to open this thread to anyone that wants to post a poem or piece of writing to be criticised or even just read. specify which of the two you want to happen so that some one doesn't criticise something that you dont want to be critcised. i am not going to be posting anymore of my more recent work for a little bit, because they are rather personal. i would post them, but they are too personal for me to talk about them. so in the meantime, lets all enjoy the works of others, if you do criticise someone when they ask, try not to be too harsh, some people might take offense to youre criticism.

KitZune · 09-15-2004, 09:29 AM

If I were to post my poetry, I'd put it on Deviant art... But I haven't written any in a while

Ghryphen · 09-15-2004, 09:49 AM

!!We are more important than Deviant art!! Better looking site too!!

08-13-2004, 09:26 AM	#1
yak Threadkiller Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: marysville, washington Age: 39 Posts: 537	I want your honest opinion ok now people, i would like youre honest opinion on this poem. i should warn you, this is the first poem that i have written in about 3 years. so here goes nothing. the name of the poem is: knowledge in the sea of relentless emotion. KNOWLEDGE IN THE SEA OF RELENTLESS EMOTION Why must I torture myself, Never fully knowing why. I have beared my emotions, the best that i possibly can. I still don't know about you, I don't know if you feel the same. I don't know how you feel. All i know is how I feel. This longing feeling never subsiding, Not knowing when it will end. Not knowing how to cope. Seeking guidance from half trusted men, But still relying on me. Relying only on me. This surge of outpouring emotions. Completly overpowering. Semmingly never ending. I haven't felt this way since...... Since Lura. I was willing to change once, I might try again. All my emotions, Carefully suppressed. I've adapted to my free state. I've adapted to my lack of feelings, Feelings for others. They are hard to mold,to control. I try my hardest, but no, I can't suppress my emotions. I've been devoid for so long, I can't describe the way that I feel. I tlak to you and I just melt away. I melt into bliss, I melt into anguish. I can see something there. I see something in your eyes. Or am I just imagining? I might be. Maybe I just want something, Anything to be there. Maybe I'm just imagining. Maybe I am going crazy, But i know the way that I feel. And that is something that I will not change. I never change. I only remain. I remain unscathed. I remain oversaturated, Oversturated with emotions. I can't suppress, I can't control, Anyhting. Its tearing me up. Completly overpowering, No escape. Like last time, Like with Lura No, not like with Lura. I won't become like that. Never again. Never again will i fall. Never again will i fail, Fail so miserably. Damn emotions, Dredging up the memories. I won't fall that far, Never again. I sit here quiet, Apparently unchanged. Apparently unaffected. On the inside, I'm churning, Churning in seemingly endless turmoil. Sitting here confused, Confused and alone. Never knowing about you. You toy with me like its nothing, I just sit here apparently unchanged. I change every time I see you. What I have told you, You can never imagine. You can never truly know. Knowledge is power. You have power over me, I sit here weak and powerless. Surrounded by this pit. Submerged in these emotions, Slowly drowning. Emotionaly esphyxiated all this time. Your forcing me to breathe. You can only imagine how much.... I love you. I can never let you read this. I can't allow you to gain more power. But still you toy with me, Still, I am powerless. I'm drowning here. I never had the experience, I never had the knowledge. I never learned how to swim, Swin in this never ending sea. This endless sea of emotion. __________________ One can smile, and smile, and still be a villian.-William Shakespeare Are you trying to tell me that the man who tried to put a rubber fist in my anus was a uhh.. homosexual?-Borat Last edited by yak; 08-13-2004 at 09:32 AM.

08-14-2004, 11:12 PM	#2
Ghryphen THZ Founder Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: WA, USA Age: 50 Posts: 3,927	What no responses yet? Sorry Yak, I would give you my review, but I don't have much interest in reading poems. __________________ The Hounds of Zeus \| Allied Tribal Forces

08-15-2004, 08:50 PM	#3
Gambit Forum wh0re Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: DFW area, TX Posts: 744	I'm not much for commenting on poems, but I can toss out a few technical issues I saw. First, you don't need to end every line with punctuation (period, comma, ellipsis, etc). It's OK sometimes, like where it would be if you wrote out the sentences in regular prose, but shouldn't be on every one. Second, "esphyxiated" should be "asphyxiated." Close. Couple other spelling things in there but you can run it through a spell checker. __________________ XMEN member Card-carrying DTM OKL Fish-napper Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to be maintained. -The Tao of Programming

08-16-2004, 09:04 AM	#4
yak Threadkiller Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: marysville, washington Age: 39 Posts: 537	thnk you uups i ned 2 chck mi speling (hukd on fonikz wurked for me) __________________ One can smile, and smile, and still be a villian.-William Shakespeare Are you trying to tell me that the man who tried to put a rubber fist in my anus was a uhh.. homosexual?-Borat

09-08-2004, 08:58 AM	#7
yak Threadkiller Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: marysville, washington Age: 39 Posts: 537	thanx, i wrote this in math class so uhhh yeah, i yeah.................. __________________ One can smile, and smile, and still be a villian.-William Shakespeare Are you trying to tell me that the man who tried to put a rubber fist in my anus was a uhh.. homosexual?-Borat

09-07-2004, 11:50 PM	#5
DooMKitty Registered User Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: In Yaks Butt Posts: 56	I think its a nice poem , its a good way to organize all your thoughts and emotions in a good artistic way.

09-08-2004, 02:12 AM	#6
Kyrie Registered User Join Date: Jul 2001 Age: 39 Posts: 95	Okay -- I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but you did ask for honest opinions. I'm not trying to be a bitch or anything. It's really, really long. Which isn't always a bad thing, but this poem could be about half the length (or less) and have a much stronger impact than it does now. Poems do not always have to be wordy; as far as poetry is concerned I'm a fan of saying as much as possible in few words. Secondly, I realise that poetry is a good vent for negative emotions, but this poem sounds kind of teen angsty and gothy. There's a few lines that sound like they could belong in a Linkin Park song. It IS tough, but try to avoid angsty cliches. Now, so that I don't sound COMPLETELY harsh, there's a ton of potential here, the key is just unleashing it. I'd recommend you look into a lot of minimalistic sort of short poems for inspiration and for new ways of expressing your feelings. I also admire how completely heartfelt and sincere your poem is, because it takes a lot of courage to do that. I'll look forward to reading more of your stuff, for sure.

09-08-2004, 04:08 PM	#8
Stang Team Captain Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: Everett, WA, USA Age: 50 Posts: 3,859 Xbox Leaderboard: 1^st	He is a teeny goth . __________________

09-09-2004, 06:53 AM	#9
yak Threadkiller Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: marysville, washington Age: 39 Posts: 537	maybe i am maybe im not you tell me __________________ One can smile, and smile, and still be a villian.-William Shakespeare Are you trying to tell me that the man who tried to put a rubber fist in my anus was a uhh.. homosexual?-Borat

09-09-2004, 04:10 PM	#10
Stang Team Captain Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: Everett, WA, USA Age: 50 Posts: 3,859 Xbox Leaderboard: 1^st	Come on we have a picture of you now . __________________

09-10-2004, 07:34 AM	#11
yak Threadkiller Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: marysville, washington Age: 39 Posts: 537	i know. but you still dont. what were we talking about again? yeah. ramble. ramble. random dribble. change of subject. hmmmm. dirbble, dribble. how bout dem space aliens probin mi caddl? __________________ One can smile, and smile, and still be a villian.-William Shakespeare Are you trying to tell me that the man who tried to put a rubber fist in my anus was a uhh.. homosexual?-Borat Last edited by yak; 09-10-2004 at 07:59 AM.

09-12-2004, 10:10 AM	#12
DooMKitty Registered User Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: In Yaks Butt Posts: 56	Moo

09-14-2004, 09:10 AM	#13
yak Threadkiller Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: marysville, washington Age: 39 Posts: 537	i am going to open this thread to anyone that wants to post a poem or piece of writing to be criticised or even just read. specify which of the two you want to happen so that some one doesn't criticise something that you dont want to be critcised. i am not going to be posting anymore of my more recent work for a little bit, because they are rather personal. i would post them, but they are too personal for me to talk about them. so in the meantime, lets all enjoy the works of others, if you do criticise someone when they ask, try not to be too harsh, some people might take offense to youre criticism. __________________ One can smile, and smile, and still be a villian.-William Shakespeare Are you trying to tell me that the man who tried to put a rubber fist in my anus was a uhh.. homosexual?-Borat

09-15-2004, 09:29 AM	#14
KitZune Transgendered Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: Burlington Ontario (Near Toronto) Age: 42 Posts: 1,079	If I were to post my poetry, I'd put it on Deviant art... But I haven't written any in a while __________________ She's named after Judas... Not a CARROT Click here to view my artwork

09-15-2004, 09:49 AM	#15
Ghryphen THZ Founder Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: WA, USA Age: 50 Posts: 3,927	!!We are more important than Deviant art!! Better looking site too!! __________________ The Hounds of Zeus \| Allied Tribal Forces

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