Needed to get some stuff off my chest

[XMEN Ashaman DTM]

So as I said, I started to notice all of this stuff today when I was out snowboarding and had time to just sit on the mountain and think about things.

That is often the best way. So is asking someone you trust in relationship matters what they think.

And if you're truly serious about being broken up with her, you've got to remember that the best way to get through a rough time like this is to spend lots of time with your friends, family, and even go meet some new people. Meeting new people can help freshen your experience of life (and help build your confidence for that day that you run across a gal that's good for you). And spending time with family and friends can really help you remember yourself and what's good about you.

I'm sad to see such a drastic change for you. But from what you have said, it sounds like it was the right thing to do. That part about you telling her you're not the "fall back guy" may have been a bit over the top, but you did something that will probably help you heal in the long run. I've been where you were before, but I wised up pretty quick. It sucks that it was your experience too, but it'll help you later on because you already have a good "gut feeling" of a healthy relationship (good REAL communication, mutual respect, mutual loving feelings, and either the knowledge or instincts to recognize that something is wrong).

[insaneferret]

sorry to hear about that man, 2 years of effort is a lot to break away from in a week, but it's for the best i expect, there are plenty of other fish in the sea

[Switch187]

Ashaman once again your right about the situation. Although I sat and analized things from my point of view, I still didn't know her side and how she thought about it. So another thing happened last night, and I know that things have been flip floping lateley between me and her, but after we had "broken up", I did my crying and stuff like that and then prayed just for an answer and some guidance. Later that night, at around 11:00 pm, my cell phone starts ringing and when I picked it up it was her. I was kinda stunned that she would be calling me so soon after breaking up with me, but I answered the phone and gave her a friednly hello (I didin't want her to think I was totally devestated, even though I was inside). She said that she wanted to know if that we could still be friends, or if that was over too after what happened today. I told her that I would want to be her friend, but I felt that we both needed some space (and I told her that she keeps telling she wants space) and that maybe the friendship should be held off for a while. She then told me that she had some things that she wanted to say, especially since she didn't want me to be so confused anymore. And I as I thought, I over analized the situation in which I thought there was another guy. She explained the whole situation to me. The night in the car, the guy was her manager and he walked her to her car because it was parked in the dark part of the lot and was out by itself. As soon as they got to her car, she offered him a ride to his car since it was on the other side of the lot. They got in the car, started it and went to his car. She told me that she didn't see my truck, and wasn't trying to avoid me if that's what I thought. Then she told me that on the next night, when I told her it looked like she was telling a guy that she would meet him at the show, she told me that she was telling him (and another guy and girl behind them) to come and meet me, but they didn't really want too (the guy was trying to move in, but that's later). She also told me that she wasn't interested in meeting a new person, nor does she even have feelings for another person, it's just that she feels that we moved really fast in our 2 years together and we need to be able to not be so "dependent" on each other. She told me that when she was at work today (the day that we broke up) that one of the guys at her work found out and was trying to "sweet" talk her and flirt with her. She told him that she wasn't interested and to leave her alone. So I felt a bit better knowing that I was wrong about the situation, and that I looked to far into some of the issues. She also wasn't upset with how I analyzed the situation either, since she said from my point of view I was justified to think that, especially since she was having a hard time trying to figure the words she needed to say to me about the break.

She then talked about the break, and told me that she didn't really know what words to use without hurting my feelings and that's why she said she needed to break up with me. In actuality, all she wanted is for me to understand that we don't need to spend every minute of our free time together just to prove that we love each other. She was saying that we were both being a bit overbearing (and she said that's the word she was thinking when she said smothered) with each other, since neither of us could be content with time not spent with each other, when we should be able to know that we love each other even if we don't see each other for a few days. So again, it was nice to know how she felt about things, as well as clearing things up that were causing some confusion between us.

But this is still causing some confusion on my side. Since she says that she wants some time for herself and to do her own thing (and wants me to have the same) but she still wants to see me and talk to me (she was even asking if we could spend my b-day together next week). I kinda told her that we needed to take things one day at a time, and that I felt that we needed to spend the time apart that she wanted. I told her if we started seeing each other soon again, as well as kept talking to each other almost everyday (we have still talked to each other everday since the break started) that she wouldn't get that "space" that she needed, and it would just make things worse later on in our lives. So I told her that maybe we shouldn't see each other for a few days, just to get that space needed, and that we should restrict our calls (or her calls since she has called me more often now) until it's something that really needs to be discussed. She was okay with everything, and also agreed that she really didn't know what she wanted in terms of time apart, and time with me, and that taking our time and spending some time apart is going to help both of us.

So I guess things are kinda up in the air right now between us, and I guess that even though we are on a "break" we are still "together" (since she kept making it really clear that she wasn't interested in meeting anyone new, nor was anyone new going to enter her life). Well I guess that's that, and I got to get going since church starts in a little bit. Thanks guys, and I'll just keep everyone informed as things go on (plus this is really helpful for me to get things out of my head).

[Gambit]

Don't think of your relationship as "on" or "off." I had quite a bit of trouble with that myself, and I know a lot of other guys do too. Goes back to my guys vs. girls stuff in the last post. She doesn't hate you, she still cares about you (can't really wipe away two years in a week). Make your relationship a little more casual, one-day-at-a-time kind of thing. She was probably accurate when she said she felt smothered; that's common, as is the "she's found someone else" paranoia. At this time she doesn't want someone who's constantly at her side. All the "rules" and "restrictions" are just her way of trying to establish herself independently. Instead of all that, just get together once a week or so for a movie or dinner or some other public activity. Doesn't have to get romantic or even very personal, just be available to talk to if she needs it and meeting regularly to keep in touch. "Us" talk should be kept to an absolute minimum for a while. She'll figure out pretty quick if that's what she wants, less, or more.
You probably need to find someone else in RL to talk to about this, too, preferably an older male buddy - older thus hopefully wiser, and the closer to your own age the more important they're male lest you get caught in a rebound relationship. Father, uncle, best friend's dad, youth minister, grandmother, or something. We're helpful, perhaps, but you need face time.

[Switch187]

Well thanks Gambit, that's pretty much were I stand on things right now as well. One day at a time, and that if we do meet in needs to be casual and in a distant time (we can't meet with each other in the next day like she wanted). I also need to tell (if she calls me tonight, which I think she will) that we both won't get the space we need if we keep talking to each other each day. We need to just cut that out and put that off as well. Maybe wait a couple days, or even a week, before calling each other. And when we do, we shouldn't talk about our relationship at all, that should wait until it's the right time. I feel that if I don't stand my ground on this, then we both won't be able to "get over" each other (not that were both moving on, but we need to keep that option open) and that it will just ruin our friendship that we would like to have if we decide to go our seperate ways.

And yes Gambit I have been talking to a lot of other people as well. My dad and brother inlaw have both been here for me to talk to and have given me advice. My older sister has been giving me the "girls POV" in this situation (she's been there before when her and her b/f (now husband) needed to take a break as well). My cousin/closet friend has been there for me to just talk to and to get things out of my mind. I also might talk to my pastor in a week seeing how things go and how I feel in that time. I just like being able to post my feelings and get advice from others as well, because this kinda feels like a "journal" to me (were I can get things out without doing it in person if I don't want to), but I get a response back from the "journal". Well thanks, and I'll be around some other time.

[XMEN Ashaman DTM]

Again, Gambino has sound advice. Talking things out online is good, but doing it in person is even better. That's because when you talk in person, you display body language (either in your voice, or actual body language of your body). And all that's done unconciously, so you'll never really realize what you are doing unless you've spent years trying to analyze yourself. Pluse there's that whole added emotion/emphasis factor that gets put into the words someone speaks; you'll pick up things faster from talking with other people and listening to their words and the meaning of those words.

[yak]

for starters, i am not trying to come off as a dick. but did you ever think that you might talk a little too much and that is the reason that she keeps dodging conversations. i mean, i know what you are gonig through, but still...... i lost it about page three of your post.



also just to let you know, dont take anything that i say seriously.....

except for that,
and that,
and that,
and that,
and that,
and that,

nevermind, i think that you get the point.