people that dont have "kinky" sex

[Xenocidez66]

To DeLukas:

I am sorry that I started something with your realtionship. I didn't mean to cause any problems. Just to let you know I have tried to fight with her about it. She won't even argue with me about it. Its like the topic of our sex life (even in private) is not something to discuss in any way. I have tried many diffrent aproaches and nothing seems to work, to her its not an issue.

To XRouge:

No it wasn't like this all the time. But it has been like this for almost 3 years now.

[Spinning Hat]

nonononono Xeno... You STATED, not Started that. He's sympathyzing with you.

[XRogue]

Hmm, ok, was there anything around that time at all that you can think of that would have started this? She had a kid, somebody died, some traumatic event? That could cause an aversion or a depression which can get in the way of her sex drive.


Note: I'm clinically depressed myself and that didn't kill my drive, altho I understand this happens to depressed ppl (male or female) regularly

[Aluscia]

It's also a side-effect of treatment... If she is taking medication for clinical depression... Your sex drive either sky-rockets, or falls off the chart...

[XRogue]

Well, that too.......they had to change my meds because I felt that a dead sex drive was more harmful to my marriage and my mental state than the depression has been.

[Xenocidez66]

To Hat:
Aahhhh Right I messed that up. Sorry

[Xenocidez66]

To the rest:
No there have been no children in that time and no depression meds. She dosn't feel that its a problem with our marrige anyway. I really don't know what caused it. She also dosn't feel that its worth fixing either, so she won't talk to a professional about it.

[XMEN Iceman[DTM]]

Ah yes...the famous inequity of sexual desire between partners. I have been married for 17 years now and for the first 10 years my situation was like yours. My wife was raised in a strict religous environment where they did not even speak about it. When we got together it was very awkward. But it started changing when we decided to have children. She was starting to enter her prime around 28 and I was 30. So we decided to head up to a very romantic B&B in the Arkansas Hills and spend all weekend in bed. Anyway...after we had the first child her body started to change...we started talking about our fantasies together...and each year it gets better and better. BUT, having a child is not the answer...the answer is that we are products of our environment sometimes. This may be part of the puzzle. The other part may be that she really has no desire at all. Some women I have met don't have a physical desire sometimes...sometimes it takes alot of foreplay to stimulate a need for sex. The one thing that has always worked for me is several weeks of cuddling and just closeness. It creates some type of warmth and comfort.

I hope you can be patient with her, Lord knows that my wife and I had some real catfights over this. But now we seem to be on the same level in our desires. Hang in there and work with her. Love her and talk to her.

Good luck.

[XMEN Iceman[DTM]]

Oh...on the subject of kinky sex...people who don't are not very happy with their life.

Try something new all the time. One of my neighbors kids found some fur-covered cuffs in our bedroom one time and brought them out for everyone to see. I think we turned 5 shades of red.

[XMEN Ashaman DTM]

What? They were too young to hold up the whips and chains?

[Aluscia]

Ah, Ice-putz... You're amazing.

[Xenocidez66]

Gee Iceman thats great but it wasn't always like this. We have done some great things togeather but not recently. We have even had our fantasies and enjoyed them but as of late she is fridged. She wasn't raised strictly or anything, so thats not the issue but she won't talk about it and being patient with here is all I can do. I would love to do all the things that you have mentioned but she dosn't like to cuddle and she won't even breach the subject with me so I have to wait until its her idea.

At least I still have my hands

[XRogue]

Bummer. I was just trying to think of some obvious things that would kill desire, but at least she remembers what it was like once. Maybe that'll help.

Hey Ice: Nobody ever talked about it in my family either, but I don't have any problems and never have. Hmmm.

[XMEN Ashaman DTM]

Heh. My family doesn't talk about it either. I've noticed that I don't always open up to people right away. Not unless I feel comfortable.


Xeno: have you changed any? I know that there are so many different things that can turn a woman on or off. Women have it easy, they could just brush up against a guy, arm-to-arm, and the guy would get turned on. Men have it harder. I know from personal experience that sudden changes in my body just turned off a woman that I was seeing at the time. The relationship fell apart because she didn't know what was going on, and I didn't realize it until a few years later. Basically, I wasn't as active as I was in highschool, and I gained about 20 pounds.

[Aluscia]

Xeno, what are her reactions to cuddling? Does she brush you off about being "stupid" or "lovey", or what? Does she get mad? Try to be extra sensitive, maybe... Have you told her how you feel? Does she know how much it hurts you that you're not getting the same bang out of your relationship? Because honestly... If someone can completely ignore a plea like that, without any sort of attempt at explaining or personifying what their problem is, there is something seriously wrong with the way they consider that relationship. I care about you, bud... I will pray (as much good as that seems to do for me... It did help out with Steele, tho, that I'm sure of ) and hope for some sort of figuring out, even if you can't solve the problem right away.

I know it'll be hard, probably quite painful... Especially if she thinks the discussion is a lead to up to a divorce, or something stupid like that. But please.... please.... please... please... (add infinite number of them in here) talk to her... because this is *EXACTLY* the problem my mother had with my dad, and instead of dealing with it, she just started internet chatting and cheated on him... I don't think you'll do that, because you're still talking it out with us. I am speaking from very personal experience here... It's making me cry... If you've *mentioned* it before, make more of a deal out of it... Because it is a problem if you're coming to us asking us for help, or advice, or even listening to us talk about your sex life... So yeah, I'm begging you... Make it *very* plain how you feel, how much you love her, and how much your relationship means to you.