How to poop at work

[Steele]

I ran across this tonight as i was looking for something else to share...could not find what I was looking for but I thought this was appropiate for this group Enjoy

How to Poop at Work We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've
>all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down
>below.
>As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
>inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2002
>Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and
>pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
>
>
>ESCAPEE
>Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
>forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
>panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when
>passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do
>not
>acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the
>farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee,
>it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
>parties feel uneasy.
>
>
>JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
>Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
>pace.
>This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
>happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
>bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
>
>
>COURTESY FLUSH
>Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the
>poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed
>location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
>bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
>
>
>WALK OF SHAME
>Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
>just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
>someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend
>that
>the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
>FLUSH.
>
>
>OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
>Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will
>often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper
>or
>magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
>Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
>
>
>THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
>Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
>pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
>whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
>
>
>SAFE HAVENS
>Definition: A seldom-used bathroom, somewhere in the building where you can
>least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
>sex.
>This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
>
>
>TURD BURGLAR
>Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and
>tries
>to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
>moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain
>in
>the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
>uncomfortable eye contact.
>
>
>CAMO-COUGH
>Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
>that
>you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
>potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
>ASTAIRE.
>
>
>ASTAIRE
>Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
>that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall
>is
>occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
>pooper can poop in peace.
>
>
>WATERMELON
>Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
>water.
>This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
>create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>
>
>HAVANA OMELET
>Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
>the
>toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with
>an
>Astaire.
>
>
>UNCLE TED
>Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
>extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
>Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
>always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you
>as well as the other bathroom attendees.
>
>
>FLY BY
>Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
>check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
>come
>back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
>suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

[Stang]

[sh@rp]

Rofl haha havent heard somthing as funny as that in a few days gimmie another one ill sit back and relax .... .... with someone elses popcorn

[Raiyven]

that's some serious scientific and sociological research that went into that one. i feel sorry for the bowels of the poor bugger that got to be the field subject for that one

Pepto save us all!

[insaneferret]

1000lb POOP

a guy who goes in the stall and groans and growls like he's lifting 1000 pounds, completely oblibious to the fact that you can hear him from outside the bathroom, usually followed by JAILBREAK or WATERMELON and then a satisfied sigh

[Stang]

Cherry Pepto!

[Aluscia]

I cry... because there is an out of the closet pooper who works in the cubicle across from my file room... I know it's him...

[Stang]

[Aluscia]

It's really not funny.... I guess I can go down 1 floor to try to find a Safe Haven, but... sigh

[Stang]

Maybe you should send him a print out of this thread maybe he will get a hint?

[Aluscia]

heheh, I like my job... enough that I won't endanger it