Going under the proverbial Knife... this one's a doosey.

[KitZune]

I might have spelled doosey wrong... doosie? dusae? whatever...

As some of you might know... actually as most of you DO know.... I am a transgendered psychopath. (See my title in the top left of this post) and it is *BECAUSE* i am transgendered, that I am a psychopath. So i've decided to finally do what's been bothering me for so long, and that is to solve both problems with one stone... I'm getting a sex change. Laugh all you want, hate me all you want... but I'm gonna be female in a couple years, and I reckon I'll be happier than I've ever been in my entire life. It's gonna be a lot of work, a lot of surgery, and a lot of time.... but when all is said and done, i may actually be happy with my body.... which I have discovered is a very important thing. ATM I'm not gay or anything... but i don't know what sort of changes this whole thing might bring about.... could be that I'm making my love-life harder by making myself into a lesbian... but at least I won't hate myself for what I look like, and the way my body feels.

Anyway, I don't want to make this into a huge story or anything... just thought that You guys should know, since you're like my second family and all... Really it would be cool if I could've made it a suprise, show up to a LAN party in a couple years or something and be like BAM! suprise! I'm a girl! hehehehhehehe but I think three years is a lot of time to have to wait to keep a secret this big. Anyways... open forum, please ask me any questions you may have... I don't mind answering. Thanks for everyone being as supportive as you've already been so far, it's really appreciated.

[Ghryphen]

Happy for you KitZ. I hope that things will work out ok. Kind of scary if you go through all that and it doesn't change anything.

[Aluscia]

As I've expressed in person, I'm there for you in all ways... What you decide to do with your true body is completely up to you :D

[Stang]

Yeah how do you spell doosie? :D

If you have really thought about it and know this is something you need to do then go for it girl! :D But it sounds like you have really thought this all out and know what you want. And Im always here for you, Ive talked to you in the past about things and know this was a huge issue for you.

So do I have to wait til you get everything done now til I meet you? :D

What finally made you decide this is what you needed to do?

[Spinning Hat]

I say good Luck with the procedures, and I hope it all goes well for you. :D But isn't that kind of thing very very expensive?

[KitZune]

Expensive, yes.... but not so much that it's not do-able... I think the end result will be well worth the money. I also don't need to worry about spending a lot of money at one time... it takes a few years for the whole thing to be done, and money is spent piece at a time over those few years... and of course I'll be saving up for it.

in response to Stang: I had a conversation with some people who had gone through with it and they convinced me not to ignore my problem and assume that it'll go away (Which, admittedly, is what I was doing.) I heard from one man in particular who had a wife and three children as a man until he was 41 years old when his wife found out about his transgenderality and left him, and took the kids... so he finally decided to get everything done and it's totally made his life much happier... only he wished he had done it MUCH sooner, so as to avoid the heartbreak... and to have more of a life as herself.

So I've decided to take the steps while I can still have a life as a young woman... it's a chance that not many transgendered people get to have.

And Stang, you can meet me anytime... hehehe just the next few years may be weird because I'll be in the "Inbetween" stages ; ) Gotta be an ugly cacoon before you can become a beautiful butterfly.

[Stang]

Im glad you got to talk to others about it and not be in the same situation as being married and then doing it.

Im curious to see what the end product is going to be now :).

[PrincessAmy]

Hello...we don't know each other 'yet' but, I say...'we only have one life to live'...so make yourself happy! If this is something that you feel you need to do... then go with it...let me know how it all turns out...I am just a bit curious;) :D :imu:

[FaLLGuY]

Are you going to keep your nuts in a jar???:lol j/k






Congrats! I wish you well during the procedure and hope all goes good for you. :) Keep us up to date.

[Stang]

Keep them and then send them to Fallguy :lol .

[XRogue]

:eek: :eek: :lol

[KitZune]

No I'll keep my nuts in a jar and tell any boyfriend that I might get in the future that it's what happened to the last guy who messed with me :D

I'm really excited to see what I can get done too... it'll be fun in a way... I just can't wait until I can finally be MYSELF in real life as well as on the internet.... so far it's only been my online personality that I've been able to keep female.


I plan on taking a "Before" picture really soon... because if everything goes well it should be VERY VERY dramatic of a change and will be cool to see the before/after of.

[Stang]

I was going to tell you to do that. Great minds think alike :).

[Aluscia]

Fools seldom differ

[KitZune]

What... keep my nuts in a jar so I can mentally scar future boyfriends? or take before and after pictures?

[Stang]

Before and after pictures :).

What you do with your nuts is your business :D.

[Spinning Hat]

Whatever you do, Don't make anyone rocky mountain oysters with them... :lol

[Stang]

Oh jeez! :2lol:

Do your parents know about all this that has been going on and what you want to do? How do they feel? Supportive?

[KitZune]

My parents have known about this problem for quite a while... couple years now at least.... and it's been obvious otherwise, since It's hard to hide the fact that I'm more feminine than masculine.... But as for my decision, a while ago I had given up and said it was impossible... I had decided I would try to deal with my problem... but I"m finding out that *It's* the impossible route...

So I told my mom as soon as I could when she came home from her vacation... we had a LOOOOOOOOONG talk about it and in the end she's as supportive as she possibly can be... but now I have to tell my dad... and he's scary, and hard to talk to... he's busy and stressful... so I don't know when to break this kind of news to him... and when I try to open my mouth to speak I feel like I'm doing something wrong by saying it... I don't know where I'm going to get the courage to tell him.

[Aluscia]

He's your father, Kitz. He will understand, especially if you try to explain how much your current body pains you. I think your dad is just a big suck hiding under that scariness... But I hope it goes well (your talk, that is). I know how difficult it is to break something new to people, but I must admit your situation is a little more difficult (by a little I mean a lot).
I just wish I wasn't such a third wheel. I've just had trouble letting go of the image I have of you... but I think I reached an epiphany last night, so I should be ok.

CHECK YOUR EMAIL, STANG!!!! I sent you an email like 3 days ago... I sent it to both mustang@thzclan.com and stang@thzclan.com because I couldn't remember which it was.

[Stang]

IM SOOOOOO SORRY LAURELIN!!!! :cry

I did get it and just keep forgetting, things around here have been stressful for us so my mind has been preoccupied. I did get it though. I use stang@thzclan.com. I'll get on early today and respond to it. Im sorry :( .


I have the same problem with my dad too Kitz. But when I do feel comfortable talking with him, which isnt much, he does care and listen. Dont dads always take things hard anyways :). But Im sure once you do talk to him he will come around like your mom.

[KitZune]

Yeah I know....It's hard, even though I know it will be okay...
But he'll have to know eventually.

[FaLLGuY]

a jar of mixed nuts sounds good..:lol

[Walks on Clouds]

Cool. I'm happy for you and also sorry for any misunderstandings early in our acquaintance. Although I write and speak pretty good English (imo), I have no really firm grasp on the severity of some words, I think. :(

Anyway, I'm happy that you've decided to go to action and hope it will help you feel better.

:hug:

[XMEN Ashaman DTM]

Kit, speaking from someone that is very hard to get to know sometimes, it's a HUGE relief when someone just comes out and says something. That could just be my personality... that I'd rather people not "dance around the bush" so to speak. Talking with my parents is hard sometimes too. Especially if it's something that I consider very personal.

All I'm saying is that I am pretty sure that he'll be supportive. Even if it takes a while for him to get used to the idea. So don't be scared.

What I'm curious about is have you talked with a counselor about this? I'm not saying that I don't support your decision... just that such a huge change in your physical appearance is not something to be taken lightly. And I have heard of people that went ahead and did it, only to regret it afterwards. (I met a girl that used to be a guy once... He regretted not thinking things through a bit. But she wasn't going back.) I have also heard that there are almost always some issues that need to be resolved before the person goes through with it.

[KitZune]

There are issues that will need to be resolved, I know that.... and yes I've been seeing a doctor for my gender issues (And other issues) for some time now... it's just recently that I've finally come to a decision... The problem is.... on either side of the coin lies regret.... If I go through with it I *MAY* regret it ... if I don't go through with it... well... I'm already regretting it.

[Stang]

Dont they make you live your life as the other sex for like a year or so before going thru with it? To make sure its what you really want and for the hormonal pills.

Its good you are going to a doctor to talk all this out. It is a serious change. Keep with it :).

[KitZune]

Yes you have to be living as a female for an entire year before a doctor will give you a referal... you need two referals minimum to be allowed the surgery.

They don't allow people to make mistakes anymore. Too much suicide used to go on... But as I said, I need to do this now, before too much of my life is gone... No offense to any middle aged women here... but who wants to start their life as a woman at the age of 40? Not me.

[Stang]

Not me either :) .

[KitZune]

And WoC don't worry, I remember the conversation you're talking about now (I couldn't remember when I first read your message) I was totally just joking around with you... I like being able to SHOCK people with my problems, I think it's fun how some people react... and since you were new to THZ you were a perfect target ; )

Whelp today I see my psycho doctor for the first time since making this decision... so I'll write about what he says when I get home to keep you guys in the know.

[Walks on Clouds]

Uh, okay. I'm the dumb bastard, then. I was just afraid that I might've set us starting on the wrong foot, or something. Glad to hear that's not the case, then. :D

[KitZune]

Not at all... I like the WoC : D

Okay, talked to my doctor... and he basically told me to get the ball rolling by talking to my family doctor and getting a reference... So I shall be doing that ASAP... I don't want to wait any longer than I have to.

[Ghryphen]

 
"get the balls rolling"
:slow:

[Stang]

You think they would be more careful in their wording :D .

[Ambush_Bug]

First: It's 'doozy' if you go with the Forties spelling, 'doosie' if you're stuck in the Sixties. ;)

Second: Congrats on making your decision early, while you still have time to enjoy it, Kit. Now, if only the docs could figure out how to get me an exoskeleton.... ;)

You mentioned 'living as a female' for a year. I'm curious--what, exactly, does this entail? Mannerisms and personality only? Clothing? Sexual activity? I am ignorant on this subject.

[Stang]

I think its all of that AB, they want you get the feel of everything your going to be.

[KitZune]

Yeah, it's pretty much all of the above... the sexual activity is kind of a tough one though because as it stands I have trouble being with people the way I want to be because of my lack of ... "correct equipment" So everything kinda slowly changes over to being femanine... then all of a sudden you go "full time" meaning that I suddenly change roles, without the operation... this would be the time that I get my name changed, etc. So in a way it's the REAL sex change... the surgery that comes afterward is more of a formality.... and a way to allow me to be a sexually active female.... which is something I'm looking forward to.

[Walks on Clouds]

:nogirls: :D

[Stang]

We are not :twak:

Where is our sign that says "Boys Are Icky" ? :p

Have you thought of names yet?

[Aluscia]

There is only one... Jessica

[Ghryphen]

Jeffina :eek:

[Stang]

:rolleyes:

[Aluscia]

Gryph, what I meant was... Kitzie's already decided on a name. Jessica. :P

[Stang]

Hes just being a pain in the butt :D .

[Aluscia]

Not like he ever isn't a pain in the butt....

:lol I lub joo! :D

[KitZune]

Yeah Jessica will be my first name.... without a doubt.... although I've been thinking about it a lot and I"m not sure what to do with my middle names... because like most people my middle names are in honour of people in my family. Because right now my name is Jeffrey William Joseph Missen.... William and Joseph are BOTH names that don't translate to female very well, so I don't know if I can keep them like that at all... so that much is a tough choice... I thought about naming myself after my grandmother instead, but that would give me the same middle name as one of my closer friends, and I wouldn't want her to think I'm copying her ; )

[Ambush_Bug]

Brianna Kenzie?

OK, OK, that was evil of me. I'll shut up now. ;)

[Stang]

Tell me about it Laurelin :) .

I have the middle name Lynn and a couple of my friends have it too. But I guess it depends if its common like Lynn. If you really like it just do it :). Or just be like the rest of us and use LYNN :D .

[Aluscia]

If I ever go through with my desire to be a woman, my name would probably be Laura, or maybe even Laurelin. My middle name would more than likely be Gwen. :D

[XMEN Ashaman DTM]

That's funny because it reminds me of a dream that I had.

See, my friends call me Matt. Actually, most everyone I know calls me Matt except for family.

So I had this dream a while back, and in the dream I was being interrogated (weird dream, don't ask). Anyways, it wasn't torture or anything like that. There were these guys that sat me down and started asking me questions. I answered them truthfully, without hesitation. Until they asked, "What do you call yourself?"

I thought they meant what kind of person did I think I was. But they were asking how I referred to myself in my own thoughts. It was strange because I said 'Matthew' without really thinking about it. But at the same time I said it, I had an epiphany... I really do think of myself as 'Matthew'. I'm not sure that I am conveying how deep this went for me... but it just seemed that I finally knew myself.

That probably doesn't sound like much... but for me, it was one of those earth-shattering, life-changing events that you could feel.

[KitZune]

I know exactly what you mean Asha... My entire life my name has been a burden to me... Jeff... William... Joseph.... three VERY male names... they've bitten right down to my core sometimes... and it's gotten to the point where I cringe when someone calls me by those names... I don't associate with them... so if I were asked that question in the same dream you had, my name would be, without hesitation, Jessica. It's a name I've attached myself with long before puberty even... it expresses who I really am. But since it's not acceptable to call a GUY Jessica... I decided to try to make people refer to me by a nickname I could live with... That's where "Fox" came into play... I insisted that friends and family try to call me Fox as often as they could... it's a unisex name and it associates me with my favourite animal in the whole world :D KitZune came about because Fox was far too common on the internet and I was never getting called it because of my clan tags... I had two at the time and my name looked like this [DTM]Fox[AnTiP] So you can imagine that I got called DTM a lot, and I got called AnTiP a lot... but NEVER was I being called Fox... so I translated Fox into a bunch of different languages and chose one
French = Renard (Errr male name, once again) Spanish = Zorro (overused) German = Der Fuchs (Cool, but I don't like german much...) and finally, Japanese = Kitsune... so I haxorized it by spinning the s around into a z and KitZune was born... now I try to make everyone I know call me KitZune... or at least KitZ.

Maybe I'm living in a fantasy world, but I can associate with this name better... and until I'm ALLOWED to be called Jessica it will be my name.

Don't know why I felt like recanting this story since it has little to no relevance on anything... but there you have it... That's the end.

[Aluscia]

Nice... Yeah, I must admit, I can see it... I guess i just call you Jeff out of habit. Did you want me to stop, since I see you like a gazillion times every week. I definitely call myself Laurelin when I'm by myself, but that's also a very personal thing... I don't know if I'd want people calling me Laurelin until I have a body to suit the name, ne? I think I'd like it, but at the same time I know it would be awkward, especially because of the fantasy-esqueness of it. I almost wish Galadriel wasn't a Tolkien character so I could have that name... it's so pretty :D
But yeah... I also associate with that feeling (to sum up this rather strange post).

[Walks on Clouds]

Did you know that I once introduced myself as "Anna's girlfriend"? This person still remembers me because of that.

Did you also know that there is another person whose most prominent memory of me is the fact that I taught her the meaning of "masturbation"? (In the most Platonian meaning imaginable, I must add, reading through this post, seeing as it might be misunderstood... :D)

[KitZune]

I usually teach people the more common use of the word masturbation : D

And Laur you can call me what you want... but I hate being called Jeff... it's not a fantasy thing to me to be called KitZ or KitZune... I dunno if you notice but the people I"ve been meeting lately... Other Jeff, Ty, N-chan's bro, I've been telling them all just to call me KitZ ; ) Indulging my fantasy would be people calling me Jessica... KitZune is my compromise name for the time being... it's gender neutral, and I like it much better.

[Stang]

When do our topics ever stay on topic in these forums :D. And it didnt go off topic we are still talking about names, we just broadened it :).

[Ambush_Bug]

Heh. I answer to 'Bug' in real life. I don't think anybody used my real name at the last XMEN LAN, even though it was known. :)

[XMEN Ashaman DTM]

When I went paintballing with Dawg.enD, his girlfriend (now his wife), and 999Ping[DTM], Dawg was calling me "Asha".

It was hilarious...


We were playing capture the flag. Dawg called out "I'll defend our flag!".

Then I said, "I'll deploy turrets!"

And everyone laughed. Even the ones that didn't know the joke.

[Stang]

:2lol:

Gryphon never calls me by my name and when he does it just sounds so weird :).

[XRogue]

So how do you know if he says the right name during sex, Stang? ;)

[Stang]

Hes only got one name for me :).

[Atheist]

Well.. I only saw this right now but....

Good luck bro!

I've seen some of the procedures they do and you'll (hopefully) be happy with the end result!

It'll definitely be a long trial. But your conditions is not unheard of (how's that for horribly redundant grammatic syntax) and that there are many who have been happy after it is all said and done.

That said... Jessica... I can see that. :) I guess I can't call you bro' anymore. How's Chica? Heheheh.. ;)

[KitZune]

hahahha Chica works for me ; ) Thanks for the kind words Athiest... Yeah I'm working out the beginning details right now, and it's hard... but hopefully I can pull through it because I really want this to happen.

[Steele]

I answer to Steele sometimes...so does one of my dogs:)

Kitz just reading all this now. Just wanted to add my 2cents for whatever it is worth...(I know it's worth 2 cents:)) I remember when I was more active on these boards a couple of years ago we talked a few times in mIRC or something about you being Transgender...I remember sharing with you about my friend who is Transgender who used to be called Tom and is now Trish...after 40+ years of being male and 20 years of marriage he decided to be a female cuz he/she felt that he was/is a she...Tom has a wife and 2 sons...at that time they were about 17 and 15...this was very hard on the family and hard on their marriage...I believe they are still together and Tom is living as Trish...Tom's kids last I heard have not accepted his change...I believe He was going to Thailand to get the operation done. From what he described to me it does not sound to pleasant...:eek:

I will say this I do not agree with this. I know I appear to be in the Minority on these boards, but I also want you to know Kitz that I think no less of you for deciding your course of action and and Love you as my bother in Christ. It's a hard choice you made. I have never met you in RL and I hope that one day we do get to meet. You said in your original post "Laugh at me if you want...hate me if you want" I won't laugh at you and I won't hate you...I will Pray for you and I will Love you.

Your friend,

Tim

[KitZune]

It's nice to hear that thought ... and I know that so far it has been a falacy that so many people have "agreed" with me so far... I have so much support but most of the support doesn't realise what exactly it's going to mean... There will be a lot of change... To tell the truth I am having problems with it right now, but I want to get back on track... I can't live like this... I depress myself just looking in a mirror... but most of the time I feel like even in doing this I won't be happy... but THat's what therapy is for... and I need to seek someone out who can help me see if this really is the right option for me.

[Ghryphen]

Are you sure when you look in the mirror that you don't just want to lose some weight and excersise :lol I know I get depressed when I look in the mirror, but I think I just need to lose 50 pounds and eat a carrot :lol

[Stang]

Hmm carrots :)

[KitZune]

hehehe.. well imagine how you feel wanting to lose weight... then imagine the desire to want to change genders ; ) It's a little different. Naah my feeling comes from somewhere different all together............ I can FEEL the body that I should have... I can literally FEEL it... and when I look in the mirror... and I see the monstrosity that really exists in it's place, it makes me sad... and then mad... I hate mirrors.

[Mobius]

I say screw the carrot. Mirror + Hammer = Glitter :lol

[THZDax]

Well what to say,

i guess i should start with this. Its about time you make yourself happy. I met you years ago and i know (from what you told me) that you were unhappy so Congradulations

as for names i think one of your middle names should be Dax :)