The Hounds of Zeus - How to poop at work

I ran across this tonight as i was looking for something else to share...could not find what I was looking for but I thought this was appropiate for this group:) Enjoy

Quote:

How to Poop at Work We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've
>all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down
>below.
>As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
>inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2002
>Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and
>pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
>
>
>ESCAPEE
>Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
>forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
>panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when
>passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do
>not
>acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the
>farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee,
>it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
>parties feel uneasy.
>
>
>JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
>Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
>pace.
>This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
>happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
>bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
>
>
>COURTESY FLUSH
>Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the
>poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed
>location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
>bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
>
>
>WALK OF SHAME
>Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
>just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
>someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend
>that
>the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
>FLUSH.
>
>
>OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
>Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will
>often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper
>or
>magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
>Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
>
>
>THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
>Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
>pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
>whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
>
>
>SAFE HAVENS
>Definition: A seldom-used bathroom, somewhere in the building where you can
>least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
>sex.
>This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
>
>
>TURD BURGLAR
>Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and
>tries
>to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
>moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain
>in
>the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
>uncomfortable eye contact.
>
>
>CAMO-COUGH
>Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
>that
>you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
>potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
>ASTAIRE.
>
>
>ASTAIRE
>Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
>that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall
>is
>occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
>pooper can poop in peace.
>
>
>WATERMELON
>Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
>water.
>This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
>create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>
>
>HAVANA OMELET
>Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
>the
>toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with
>an
>Astaire.
>
>
>UNCLE TED
>Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
>extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
>Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
>always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you
>as well as the other bathroom attendees.
>
>
>FLY BY
>Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
>check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
>come
>back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
>suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.